Suicide

I hate it when I argue with my mother. The aftermath is enjoyable, though. I always dream of killing myself, just to spite her. The only reason I don't is because I wouldn't be around to see her reaction afterwards. How she'd feel when her firstborn killed himself...18 years of effort and dedication, gone, because of her. It'd be delicious to watch.

Do you ever get the urge...

Do you ever get that urge to shoot someone in the head with something high calibre, just to see their head explode? How about finding something really cute, and then stabbing it in the face? Or burning something really valuble, watching it go up in ashes. How about telling someone how you really feel, just to see how things will turn out? Strange, what we humans will do for love...I mean, I'd do the last thing up above, but I'd never do the first three. But they're all just as potentially self-destructive.

I keep telling myself that I should stop caring about girls, that none of it matters, that nothing'll happen anyway. But then there's this part of me that notices, that cares, what wants, that desires, that needs, that yearns for what it cannot have. And so every time that girl logs on, my heart skips a beat, my emotions spasm, and I fall over myself (electronically) to go talk to her.

We are human because we love. But love can dehumanise us. Why, then, should I subject myself to the whims of the Fates, when I can end things so much simpler?
Because I am human, there exists no other path. I cannot transcend my Earthly presence. And so, for here unto eternity, I am doomed to cherish but to never have, love but to never hold. The blessing of Life, but the the curse of Love.

From the mouth of babes...

Saw the follow quote on the front cover of a book by a young Australian-born Chinese girl, about going back to China for Chinese New Year. Including handdrawn pictures by itself, it attempts to bridge the cultural gap between Australians by presenting Chinese culture in an easy to understand format by a young person for other young people.

"I was born in Australia.
Australia is my home.
But my parents are from China.
China is my motherland."

I think that sums it up quite nicely, for all Overseas Chinese. Yes, we were born outside of China. Yes, we have been brought up outside of China. We have made homes, families, friends, lives, outside of China. We may have adopted the culture and mannerisms of our country of residence. But that doesn't change the fact that, in our heart of hearts, we will always be Chinese.

It's actually really quite difficult to explain how this feeling comes about as strongly as it does in those of Chinese descent. I mean, I know that all people are patriotic about where they come from; South Viets especially detest those from the North, for example, and are justifiably proud of their nation's history of defiance to colonialism. But at the same time, Chinese patriotism is different. Other people consider their descended identity as on par with their adopted identity, but for those of Chinese descent, China comes first and foremost, primary amongst all others. I guess this is because, by being Chinese, you belong to the single largest national identity on this planet...that's a pretty good club to be in. You feel included, protected, and no matter where you go you can find someone else who's Chinese, like you. At the same time, by being Chinese, you can feel proud about all that China is achieving as it surpasses other nations in various fields of excellence, from sports to economics to social.

Anyway, six pages of my China essay are done. If enough people want it, I'll post it up here.

End of an era

Well, yesterday and today was Hungy's longawaited and muchanticipated lanpover (lan + party + sleepover). It didn't disappoint...well, except when I arrived at 9am, and Hungy didn't arrive till 9:30, and the fact that we didn't really actually play anything serious, considering the 30+ hours we spent there. Doesn't mean we didn't have fun though! That's one lan session I'll be remembering for a LONG time :D And apparently we burned through like 8 gigs of Hungy's offpeak download limit, which is no mean feat :D People who went, you know who you are...what we played will be remembered for eternity. The amazing feats of sportsmanship on the snooker and table tennis tables...such as Hungy and Sam's epic negative 20 score game for snooker :D

Ah well. It's the end of an era, really. No more LANPs at Hungy's house. Speaking as one of the Originals, that place has almost been a second home since year 7. You always knew what you were in for when you went to Hungy's place...and you never came unprepared. Laptop, mouse, charger, games, USB, food. The bare essentials. You came, and you gamed. In the early days, it was Counterstrike. Then Age of Empires 2 came along. Rise of Nations. Homeworld. Medieval Total War. Conquest: Frontier Wars. Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds. Freelancer. These were the shaping ideals of a bright and bold future. The games and influences which made us into the people we are today. Whom amongst us will ever forget the beautiful sight of President Jacobi holding a smoking rifle, uttering the immortal words "Burn you sonofabitch!"? There are many good memories, shared experiences at 64 Tristania Street, Doncaster East. Let us hope that any future owners have ones just as good.

"It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But perhaps, it is the end of the beginning" - Winston Churchill